Feb 7, 2011

MQ Awards for FINANCIAL STUPIDITY 2010 (MQ-FSA 2010)


"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid"__Benjamin Franklin

When every publication and media outlet under the sun is instituting awards for recognizing excellence in one area or the other, I also thought of starting the awards but with a difference…the prestigious awards are meant for individuals and institutions contributing significantly to the cause of financial stupidity rather than excellence. The Awards theme is ‘Great Indian Scam Bazaar’.

Warning: The Awards have received ‘A’ Certificate from the Censor Board of India, so if you’re younger than 18, please don’t waste your time here…you can find plenty of other stupid stuff on the net.

The winners are selected by an eminent jury comprising of financial
wizards: Mr. Rajesharma, the SMD of Money Tree Financial Services Ltd (MTFSL), who succeeded in raising around Rs 400 crore via QIP issue by fooling FIIs—Who’s Who of Wall Street—including Goldwoman Sachaa Soda and Moorgi Stanley; Mr. Rama Rajoo—ban na paaya gentlemen— of Satyam Shivam Sundaram, world famous for riding a tiger; and the late Shri Shri Harsh Mahatma ji—the Big Bull—who was back to earth on a few days holiday to enjoy the scam season.

So, dear friends, hold your breath! I’m just going to announce the first time winners of ‘MQ Awards for FINANCIAL STUPIDITY 2010’ (MQ-FSA 2010):


MQ Awards for FINANCIAL STUPIDITY: List of Awardees

1. Financial Stupid Regulator
Institutional Award for Financial Stupidity for 2010 goes to SRDA; SRDA has contributed immensely to the already confused & stupid insurance scenario...proposed mandatory life or health cover with Pension Plans …though made it optional later on; also made it mandatory to offer a guaranteed return on Pension Plans.

2. Financial Stupid Corporate
Corporate Award for Financial Stupidity goes to Zero Group for investing in high returns scheme designed by Catbank Relationship Manager Bhagwan Shiv in connivance with Mr. Sanjoo, a Senior Employee of the Zero Corporate Services; hats off to Shivoo for luring a leading Corporate Group in his trap.

3. Financial Stupid Investor
In the individual category the awardee is 75 year old retired businessman Shri Hari Bhakt for investing in hundreds of mutual funds schemes and for receiving an average of 3 dividends per day which is again reinvested in some other scheme; see the stats: investment in almost all the AMCs with around 1900 SIP investments; 90 dividends per month; not missing a single NFO…what a unique way of passing time after retirement…you can find the detailed story on Google search. I’ve also forwarded his name for inclusion in the Stupid Book of World Records. This Award will be jointly shared with Mr. Sanjoo (HSI)—a Venture Capitalist—for handing over Rs 30 crore to Shivoo to mismanage by signing blank documents…after all, VCs are known for assuming high risk while investing in the hope of getting high returns.


Awards Ceremony
In view of his excellent event management skills, I’ve hired the services of Mr. Kaali Mandi to manage this gala event …let’s hope he can spare sometime out of his tight schedule…nowadays quite busy in attending close door meetings with SBI; he will be supported by Mr. Ladoo Moody, the man behind the success of SPL. The marketing which will be mostly through social media will be taken care of by none other than Mr. Shasoorji, who’s known for his 6L twitter followers.

Mr. Bunty Mad-on —a prominent Wall Street trader and former chairman of NASDAQ currently holidaying in a SS jail—being the man behind the largest and the longest running Ponzi Scheme in the world has kindly consented to grace the occasion… to make sure Mr. Mad-on is able to secure a bail to come to India for honoring the awardees… we’ve hired the services of Ms. Radio to do some lobbying with the Grey House to secure his bail…with this project she’ll get international recognition and if she succeeds there’ll be a big queue of SS Clients—lobbyists are in great demand in SS—in front of Vaishno Mata Communications and she can start thinking of an SPO (there’s a lot of appetite for good quality SPOs in India) to fund her international expansion plans.

There will also be a panel discussion on “How to run a Ponzi scheme”, the discussion will be moderated by Mr. Rajmaa of ‘HAAMARI ADALAT’ fame, the participants will be Mr. Mad, Mr. Shivoo and a senior executive from AAMWAY. Another panel discussion will be on the ‘Legalized Way to Defraud Investors’ in which CSOs of leading Life Insurance Companies, Wealth management Firms, Banks and Brokerages will take part and the moderator will be Mr. Vikoo Akela (the founder of SSS Micro-Finance) who tweaked the micro-finance model—wants to make his investors’ rich while helping the poor become entrepreneurs …loans for buying consumer durables like TV, Fridge and Washing Machines …adopting the ‘Bottom of the Pyramid’ Strategy of Mr. Prahalad—so as to give a concrete shape to the vision of Mr. Muhammad Yunus, the founder of Grameen Bank and winner of Noble Peace Prize .

To make it a fun-filled event, we’ve also arranged ‘Munni’ dance by Ms. XX Anderson, a leading Stupywood actress for which advance payment of Rs 10 crore has already been made. She’ll be arriving shortly in India under tight security—2 battalions of CRPF have been deployed in addition to local police force— to guard her assets.

To make sure that there is no unwanted exposure of any behind the scene stupid activities, I have personally signed an agreement with Russi-leaks Founder Mr. Rasputin –requires a lot of money to fight legal cases (the poor chap forgot to wear his raincoat while cooking not knowing it is illegal)—not to hack our computer systems; to rule out any terrorist threat during the ceremony, another million dollars secret deal with SSI has been signed—thanks to the special efforts of Miss Macho Guts…you know, I don’t have faith in security apparatus of Mr. Chidamambaram. Further, to preempt any government organisation from tapping our phones, we’ve started communicating through PCO’s and BlackBerry message services…you just can’t take any chances when so much is at stakes.

Journalists have been paid their dues by Ms Radio so as to ensure only positive coverage in the press; moreover, as we’re one of the major advertisement clients of all the leading publications, there is nothing to fear about.

Our only concern is the Ministry of Climate Change…although permission letters have already been obtained under twenty three different environment laws after consulting best legal brains and moreover Ramu is my childhood buddy, but you never know…he is in hyperactive mode these days…(anyhow, I sincerely appreciate his activism).

I request all my readers to either attend the ceremony ….tickets will be sold through online auction and the initial price have been kept very nominal at Rs 1000 per ticket—a leading Merchant Bank did the valuation—and is already quoting at a 20% premium in the grey market…and once the initial sale is finished, tickets will be listed on the stock exchanges; however, you’ll require a PAN, DMAT and KYC…we’re also thinking of making the UID compulsory. Payment will be accepted only through credit cards …if you don’t have any credit card, apply immediately, get rewards points, 10% cash back and pay back in 6 EMIs.

The ‘FSA Event Tickets’ will also offer you minimum guarantee of 1.5% return in addition to free life insurance cover of Rupees one thousand, if you invest a minimum amount of Rs 10,000 every year…as this is a unique financial product being launched for the first time in the Indian markets, we’ve obtained regulatory approvals from both Sebi and IRDA…I don’t want regulators washing their dirty linen in the public…anyhow, the point worth noting is that even if you don’t want to attend the ceremony, think of it as the best investment opportunity of the year 2011…the Analysts are already expecting listing gain of minimum 40%...please don’t ask me the annualized returns.

However, in case you’re unable to attend due to any reason, please watch it live on idiot box…the exclusive telecast rights have been granted to one of the prominent Stupid Business Channel …we’ll also try to ensure that the date and timings of this stupid event does not clash with the release of any big budget stupid movie; a stupid gooli-taanda match; Stupid Indian Soap Operas like Kyunki Wise Bhi kaabhi Stupid Thi & Kahaani Stupid ki and Stupid Realty Shows like Stupid Boss & Stupid Ka Insaaf.

Now I’m going to tell you the best kept secret: yes, Ms. Radio has successfully lobbied with the Ministry of Stupidity–despite stiff resistance from Stupid Insurance Council—to grant the ‘FSA Event Tickets’ a special status under the Stupid Tax Act, 1961 and accordingly government has acceded to our request; CBST will be shortly issuing a notification allowing you a special deduction of Rs 25,000 under section 80 of the ST Act with no lock-in period and on top of it capital gains will also be exempted from tax…I can guarantee that you’ll never find such a stupid investment during your life time… such a phenomenal returns and that too tax free…now there’s gonna be a real competitor against ULIPs.

Note: Nominations for ‘MQ - Financial Stupidity Awards 2011’ (MQ – FSA 2011) will remain open through out the year…the theme will be ‘Being Financial Stupid’… if you think you’re a financial stupid or if you come across any such stupid, please send your nominations to fsa@themoneyquest.com . From next year there’ll be two new additions: Life Time Achievement Award for Financial Stupidity and Global Stupid.

Stupid Message(Strictly Private) for Rajkumar Hirani, Vidhu Vinod Chopra & Aamir: I know you’ve started thinking of making a sequel to ‘3 idiots’ naming it ‘3 Stupids’, but before you steal my stupid idea—I don’t want my mother to wipe her tears with her sari sitting in a cinema hall—let me make it amply clear to you that either willingly sign a ‘Revenue Sharing Deal’ with a ‘Minimum Guarantee Clause’ in addition to prominent display of the following words “IDEA by Fisher of The Money Quest” just after “Directed by” in the casting…and in case the movie gets nominated for Oscars, I would like to accompany Aamir for marketing of the movie…would like to meet Paris Tilton and that Nagina babe from Haryana…. or else get ready to fight a long protracted legal battle and even if you win the battle of stupidity, I’ll make sure Baloo Thakoor doesn’t let the screening of the movie in Maharashtra …moreover, before its release, the movie will be available for public viewing on My Tube…so, I think it is in your best interest to sign the deal with The Money Quest.


-------The end--------


Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction; any resemblance to any events, organisations or persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Please desist from filing any frivolous lawsuit…we’ve no intentions to share the booty with anybody by making out of court settlement…one third of proceeds will go to build the largest, tallest and the most expensive Villa (to be named Fishilla) in the World as my sweet home—every day I’ll sleep in a different room; another one-third will be gifted to my wife and son to keep them busy…they would like to build a Animal Farm for their entertainment for which they require some holy cows in addition to different breeds of dogs, cats, monkeys, donkeys, camels, pigs, bulls and elephants—auctioned at ‘SPL-4 Cattle Fair’ televised live—so as to get perverse pleasure, learn a few practical business lessons and get some visibility; the remaining one-third will be donated to Harvard Business School to build a new building—to be named Fisher Hall—for soon to be introduced ‘Executive Education Programme in Financial Stupidity’.

Finally, if you think you’re wise, let me remind you that we’re all equally idiots. Don’t we all do stupid things on day to day basis? So, let’s acknowledge & embrace stupidity and laugh at ourselves instead of taking it seriously…now, if you wish you can share the most stupid financial decision of your life.


"In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that he did not also limit his stupidity"__Konrad Adenauer



Also see:

1. Height of Financial Stupidity
2. Is it Complexity or Confusology?
3. Funny Thoughts about Leave Travel Allowance

3 comments:

  1. Loved the comment. Copying it :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Amusing article and very informative too. Cheers to you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. My financial stupidity - keeping 10 lakhs in my savings account for the past 2 years till date....confused and worried of all the traps around :(

    ReplyDelete

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